How to overcome bullying.

Bullying is now something I better understand.  Until last year, I didn't really give much serious thought to bullying, unless I heard some tragic news report of a teen suicide linked to school yard or cyber bullying. Which, come to think of it, is all too frequent these days.

Then I was bullied myself.

My experience may sound like a very simple example of bullying ... but my guess is that those stories we usually hear about - the ones with dramatic circumstances with horrific outcomes - are the only examples we hear about because they are news worthy. Which means we may dismiss the milder forms of bullying in our everyday lives.

But I now understand what bullying means, and how it can be the smallest of circumstances that build up overtime to create feelings of sadness, hurt, paranoia, and ostracism.

And I don't think I'm particularly weak, which just means that this can happen to anyone.


I accidentally came across an email at work that was not intended for me ... but it was about me.
It was from one woman I worked with to another. I was really quite shocked. I worked closely with both these women, helping them out quite regularly with their own workloads, and I really liked working with both of them. And so when I read what they had said about me, it hurt.

And it made me curious. Why would they say such things? How long had this been going on? I had a quick look around and noticed other messages I had access to (unbeknown to them). I had to stop looking after a while, because it just got too much for me to comprehend and cope with. It had been going on for some time. Anytime I was not helping them out with work, they decided I wasn't working at all or pulling my weight. Anytime I was off sick or went to a doctor's appointment, they had something to say about it. Things of that nature.

I started to become quite paranoid. I remember checking how often I had been away from work over many months - turns out I could count the days on one hand - but they continued to make comments about me. About my work. About my hours (which was odd, since I was in the office much longer then them).

I honestly thought I could deal with it all myself ... and by deal with it, I mean ignore it.
I started giving these women the benefit of the doubt - almost justifying their actions - in the hope that I would feel better. Obviously they were mistaken. Perhaps they were just joking, they didn't really mean what they said.
I also started watching what I said and did around the office. I would start my day even earlier and finish up late, taking smaller lunch breaks - as if I was proving to the world that I was not what they said. 
In my mind, this would solve the problem. But when the hurtful remarks and untruths kept coming, I was just so hurt. I had respected these women, and really enjoyed working with them in the workplace.

My husband was furious when I finally told him. I honestly didn't see this as bullying .. but he helped me to realise that I had started to change my behaviour because of it. I had started working longer hours with very short breaks, all so these women couldn't have any possible reason to comment.
I remember one particular day at work I was so flat out busy with a day of back-to-back meetings, I had to quickly scoff down a sandwich at my desk as I wouldn't have much time to leave the office for lunch. I ended up chocking, and coughing a bit. They thought I was coughing out loud to prepare everyone for my eventual sick day the next day. That really made me upset.

These occurrences started to occupy my thoughts all day, and most nights. I just couldn't get over the fact that the women I worked so close with, who I enjoyed being around and valued their opinion, had been gossiping about me for so long.
I became more paranoid. I would notice when they were talking together, if they were whispering, straining my ears to hear what they were talking about. I would think everything was about me, even though I'm sure it wasn't.

Then one week, I came down with a cold of some sort - I had a deep mannish voice, I was a little feverish, and my nose was running like crazy. Feeling that way, I sometimes had to blow my nose and cough. Turns out I'm human.
Well, these women thought it was all a show to take a sick day the following day. They laughed about it.
I was so determined to not get sick, to prove them wrong .. but I did, and I made myself stay at work, sweating through my clothes, eyes all watering. It was a very long week. And my body took such a long time to get over what was probably a simple cold. I developed a bad cough. After having been at work all week with a cold, I started coughing and just couldn't stop. And when I saw these women messaging each other, again predicting a sick day, I decided I had to say something.

I decided it had to stop. And I told myself to be a grown up.
I actually reminded myself that I am a adult. Sure I wanted to preserve my working relationship with these women - I had to work with them for several more months - and I really didn't want to make things worse.

But. Enough was enough. I am a person too. And I was not in the wrong, even in the slightest.
And .. it turned out I had whooping cough.

How I felt after something had been done:
At first, I felt very afraid that it could all backfire. I didn't want to make the situation worse. I knew management would talk with them together and separately, as management took bullying very seriously, and I didn't want these women to talk about me more.
I was also very afraid that they would just find other opportunities to talk about me instead, and that this would make working at the office awkward. I had to work with them each day, after all.

But after a few hours of being highly suspicious, I felt relief. It was a burden lifted.
Even though I was living in a city where I still felt like the new kid, with almost no friends, I felt better.

Struggling with bullying yourself? 

Perhaps you are guilty of criticising others. I know I'm guilty of criticising myself.

I once blogged about this here, and I really do this we can be too hard on ourselves and others. 
We can never truly know what someone else is going through, or what they are struggling with themselves, and even if we did know ... it is never our place to criticise, judge, or cause trouble.

Whatever the case may be, my bottom line is this: 

Negativity is dangerous. 

Positive thinking is empowering. 

And you really truly are too valuable to be defined by bullying.

How to keep a journal.

I remember my first journal.

My family took a trip to Europe, coinciding with my Dad's business trip, when I was 6. In fact, I had my sixth birthday on the plane to Germany .. that birthday lasted a lot longer than 24 hours. And I recorded it all in my journal.
I love reading over it, and seeing where I so obviously used my finger to make spaces between words.

Ever since then, I have kept a journal. Sometimes I write every day. Other times, not.

This is one way I feel happy. I really enjoy reflecting and writing whatever personal things are going on in my life.

I write out important things I did that day.
I write about how I felt and what I did well or wished I could re-do.
I write little things I hope to never forget, things my future readers may know.
I write mostly about whatever is tugging at my heart strings, to get it all out, to vent.

This is actually the primary reason why Wilford Woodruff was my favourite latter-day prophet when growing up. I used to watch The Mountain of the Lord most Sundays - a church movie about the building of the amazingly beautifully crafted temple in Salt Lake City Utah. The entire movie is told from the experience of Wilford Woodruff. We are introduced to the key characters and events of early church history through his eyes ... and all this because he actually kept a journal every day of his life.

He kept a journal every day of his life since 1834, the year he joined the Church. When he joined, he vowed he would never lay his head on his pillow until he had made a record of the days work. A daily record.
We have, after all, been admonished to be a record-keeping people.

I recently purchased several new journals. I'll be using them in order of colour, and hope they will last me a good long while.
I really wanted to make a better commitment to something that I already know makes me happy.

What is something you do that makes you happy?

What is truth?

When Jesus was brought before Pilate, He said:  For this cause came I into the world, that I should bear witness unto the truth.
Pilate then asked the big question:  What is truth?  [1]

What is truth?

Really, the question should be "from where or whom does truth emanate?"

Divine truth is absolute reality.  Everything in this world that is true has a divine source.  That source is Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me". [2]
Jesus Christ represents truth and is the embodiment of all truth. [3]

How do the scriptures define truth?  I've been cross referencing Doctrine and Covenants 93:24 with Jacob 4:13 (in the Book of Mormon).  Truth is the knowledge of things past, present, and future.  Truth is that which endures.

Did you see the word really in Jacob 4:13?

"It is vital to know that there really is a God, that there really is a Savior, Jesus Christ, that there really is impending immortality for all men, that there really will be a judgment with genuine personal accountability, and that there really is purpose in life and a divine plan of happiness for man.
"When we know such basic truths as these, then we know what really matters, how to approach life and how to view man in the universe.  There is great power in perspective.  Therefore, the adverb 'really', as used by Jacob, is deeply significant."  [4]

Do you know what the difference between absolute truth and relative truth is?
I found this profoundly interesting ...

"This true way of life [the gospel] is not a matter of opinion.  There are absolute truths and relative truths.  ... There are many ideas advanced to the world that have been changed to meet the needs of the truth as it has been discovered.  There are relative truths, and there are also absolute truths which are the same yesterday, today, and forever - never changing.  These absolute truths are not altered by the opinions of men.  As science has expanded our understanding of the physical world, certain accepted ideas of science have had to be abandoned in the interest of truth.  Some of these seeming truths were stoutly maintained for centuries.  The sincere searching of science often rests only on the threshold of truth, whereas revealed facts give us certain absolute truths as a beginning point so we may come to understand the nature of man and the purpose of his life.  ...

"We learn about these absolute truths be being taught by the Spirit.  These truths are 'independent' in their spiritual sphere and are to be discovered spiritually, though they may be confirmed by experience and intellect.  ...

"God, our Heavenly Father - Elohim - lives.  That is an absolute truth.  ... All the people on the earth might deny him and disbelieve, but he lives in spite of them.  ... In short, opinion alone has no power in the matter of an absolute truth.  He still lives.  And Jesus Christ is the Son of God, the Almighty, the Creator, the Master of the only true way of life - the gospel of Jesus Christ.  The intellectual may rationalise him out of existence and the unbeliever may scoff, but Christ still lives and guides the destinies of his people.  That is an absolute truth; there is no gainsaying.  ...
"The Gods organised and gave life to man and placed him on the earth.  This is absolute.  It cannot be disproved.  A million brilliant minds might conjecture otherwise, but it is still true."  [5]

Absolute truths are those eternal and immovable truths that have been revealed by God.
Adherence to revealed truth brings great blessings and, ultimately, salvation.

My personal challenge is to make a quest for truth and knowledge a daily, lifelong activity.
Too many Latter-day Saints are satisfied with what they already know and fail to continue in their quest for life-giving truth and light.  That is forfeiting a chance for eternal life.  [6]


With all this in mind ... I'm going to start blogging my lessons from my Book of Mormon Institute class.

And yes, I'm aware I've been terribly slow on sharing my Old Testament lessons. 
But hey, I can't overload everyone with religion at once!

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[1] John 18:37-38
[2] John 14:6
[3] see 3 Nephi 15:9
[4] Neal A. Maxwell, Things As They Really Are, 4, bold added
[5] Spencer W. Kimball, "Absolute Truth", Ensign, Sept. 1978, 3-4, bold added
[6] see Spencer W. Kimball, "Seek Learning, Even by Study and Also by Faith", Ensign, Sept. 1983, 5-6

Do not let your self worth be defined by bullies.

My appearance and my weight.  They have both been on my mind for most of my adult life.  Hey, I'm only human, and I'm a woman too.  Most women, even if it doesn't seem like it, are most likely judging themselves or thinking critical and negative comments about their physical appearance.

I've personally battled this, and I know most of you do too.  It may not be the weight you see on the dreaded scales, but perhaps the shape of your nose, or the annoying flicks in your hair that can never be controlled, or the blotches on your skin.  We all have insecurities.

Well, to you (and myself) I say ... you are beautiful.
You are a son or daughter of God.  Literally.  You are a precious spirit child of our Heavenly Father, and as such, you are valued, respected, and you have much potential.
You are also somebody's friend.  In fact, you are a friend to a lot of people, an example to even more people, and you are valued in your community, your family, and probably your workplace or school.  You just don't know it.
Some days it feels like that ain't so.  But it has to be ... we are each born with a unique mixture of talents and abilities that no one has.  There is a great need for you and me.  Yes, my friend, we have a purpose.

In fact, you should watch this short film right now.  You deserve to be validated!

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The reason I share these thoughts with you today, is because of the media.  A great tool, as we all know, but also a terrible avenue for wrong and hurtful activity.

A few weeks back, when our brilliant and hard working Olympians were finishing their training and embarking on that great event that is the Olympic Games, someone said our very own swimming champion looked fat.  They saw a picture of her in her swimmers, leaning over the pool, and they said she looked fat.  It's pretty sad that when I type in her name in a Google search, the word fat automatically comes up.

Then a few weeks later, with no baby stories or nude photos to show, tabloid magazines decided to attack Kate Middleton by calling her skinny.  TOO skinny.  Photos taken are sharp angles, piztelated close up shots of her body printed up in bright colours to accentuate their point.

Was Liesel Jones too fat?  Is Princess Kate too skinny?
Well why is it any of our business?!  Why is this deemed great entertainment to sell?

And why on earth are we focusing our attention and extra energy on negativity?  I am continually reminding myself of the power of positive thinking.  We really do underestimate this power.  Even now I am learning to re-tap this valuable source of happiness and health, with a few issues of my own that I may blog about in the future.

Both here, here and here are great suggestions for us all.


Today, an American local news anchor had something of a personal nature to share with her viewers.
I think she says it best.  To her, I say well done.

Ms Livingston turned what could have been a hurtful loads of comments into a powerful opportunity against bullying.

I'm really glad that when Ms Livingston’s husband posted the emailed letter on his Facebook Page, that they received an outpouring of support.  Kindess and empathy gave Ms Livingston a way out off possible-negativity.
And Ms Livingston was clearly empowered in this moment.  She decided to single the writer out as a bully.

“The truth is I am overweight,” Livingston said.
“You can call me fat and yes, even obese on a doctor’s chart.  To the person who wrote me that letter, do you think I don’t know that?  Your cruel words are pointing out something I don’t see?  You don’t know me.  You are not a friend of mine.  You are not a part of my family, and you admitted that you don’t watch this show so you know nothing about me besides what you see on the outside - and I am much more than a number on a scale.”

“We are better than that bully.  We are better than this email.  We are better than the bullies that would try to take us down.”

"Do not let your self worth be defined by bullies."

Thought for Friday: Validation.

This is a brilliant short film.  It definitely brightened my day when I watched it!

We all need to be validated.


Thanks to Mara over at A blog above Love.

I can show gratitude.

I simply had to blog about today's lesson in Primary.  It was awesome fun.

The main reason why it was awesome fun was because I spent most of the time on one activity, and ditched some of the lesson.  Sometimes, it's just gotta be done.  Their attention spans, while varied amongst the kiddies, are not terribly long.  And I much prefer to get the main point across strongly, than harbour away at too many stories and too much reverence.  It is the third hour of church, after all.

It took a while to get the opening prayer done.  Turns out everyone wants to say it, and some feel offended if they don't.  So I quickly drew up a chart on the board to ensure everyone will have a turn each week (and photographed it afterwards, under the supervision of one diligent young man who really doesn't want to miss out on his turn).

I then dramatically whipped out the following:  an empty glass, a large spoon, and a large glass bowl.  There was a little speculation of what I was doing ..
I put the glass bowl into a large baking tray, to avoid any mess, and then emptied a bottle of water into the bowl.  All eyes were glued to what I was doing.  I then instructed everyone to think of what blessings they had received from Heavenly Father, ones they were really grateful for.  Each of us would say a blessing we were truly grateful for, and take a spoonful of water from the bowl into the cup.

I started.  I said I was really grateful for clouds - how I loved their shapes and colours in the sky.  I then spponed my watery blessing into the cup.  Oh my gosh this activity was a hit.  They thought up the coolest blessings to have a turn, and we just kept going round and round the table.  They wouldn't have stopped, except we were running out of water.

What would have happened if we just kept going?  The cup would have overflowed!  They then really understood what I meant, when I said Heavenly Father loves us so much that He just keep giving us blessings, and more blessings, until we are overflowed!

We quickly played our usual game of hangman (without a hanging man) to get the main word - GRATITUDE.  We repeated the word together, and I then wrote up the words 'thankful' and 'grateful' too, and we talked about these words.

I then showed them a picture of the Ten Lepers.  The story, found in Luke 17, is a great illustration of gratitude.  I explained what leprosy was, and how people were so afraird of lepers back then that these sick people had to live outside the city, away from their family and friends.
When the Saviour, Jesus Christ, gave them instructions on how to be healed, they were suddenly able to live with their families again.  Imagine how that would have felt.  How would we have felt, if Jesus Christ had done this great miracle for you?
There were ten of them - we all put our ten fingers up in the air.  And guess how many said thank you to Jesus?  Put down nine fingers - that's right, only one said thank you.  Only one showed his gratitude.  Why only one, we discussed.

The other point I raised was how we can express our gratitude to Heavenly Father - how often do we pray each day?  The kids listed all the times for prayer, and reminding them of the (almost) overflowing cup of blessings, we talked about being thankful in our prayers.  It is so important to remember to be thankful in our prayers.

(source)

It was nice to have a thankful prayer to close our class.

Thought for Friday.

A loudspeaker was set up somewhere in New York.

It was for anyone to use.  To say something nice.

Like "Have a nice day!"  "I love your umbrella!"  "To infinity and beyond!"


What would you say?



Go say something nice right now!

Time Out for Women - Choose to Become [review part 3]

A recap of the messages I heard and felt.



Hilary Weeks encouraged me to name my washing machine.

Brenda comes to mind.

I do have a washing machine, but I haven't used her yet.  It is sitting all on its lonesome in the garage while I use someone elses (also unloved unnamed).  If I name mine now, does that make her more a part of our lives?  And therefore more neglected and left out of our lives?

Poor Brenda.

Hilary had other good titbits (her exact word) of advice to share, although her primary role during the conference was to introduce the main speakers and to provide the sometimes light and sometimes meaningful music in between.

She spoke on something President Boyd K. Packer has spoken about many times:  our thoughts.  She told us about her clicker - a hand held clicker - to count every negative thought she had per day.  At first, I thought that sounded like a good and really interesting exercise.  Just how negative are we?  I'd say very, considering most women cracked up with guilt at her explanation of why you don't take the clicker to church (giggle), especially if someone brings Cheerios to church and they end up on the floor (click) and then you step on them (click click click).

The point Hilary made was counting her negative thoughts, while it sounds like it could be a good thing, ended up being a negative experience.  She felt more negative.  Alright then, how about we count our positive thoughts?  Whoa, Hilary counted heaps more of those per day (phew)!  And suddenly, you are thankful for everything, just to get those clicks up.  You are thankful for someones smile, you are happy the bus waited for you.  Now you are concentrating on the positive, looking out for the positive, and even creating reasons for the positive.

The conclusion is:  you are what you think.

As Elder Richard G. Scott said, "we become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day."

Let's look at his General Conference address entitled 'The Transforming Power of Faith and Character' more closely.  Elder Scott tells us that "[f]aith and character are intimately related."  How so?  Does my ability to believe in things not seen really have a huge impact on my character?  Absolutely.  "Faith in the power of obedience to the commandments of God will forge strength of character available to you in times of urgent need.  Such character is not developed in moments of great challenge or temptation.  That is when it is intended to be used." [Underline added.]

A righteous character "is more valuable than any material object you own, any knowledge you have gained through study, or any goals you have attained no matter how well lauded by mankind."  And you know what else?  "Neither Satan nor any other power can destroy or undermine your growing character" ...except for ourselves, through our own disobedience.

So to obtain righteous character, it really does depend on the efforts we make.  To become, we need to think about becoming.  Our thoughts will truly determine what we will be.

Hence Laurels' first action item:  to think with faith.  "When faith is properly understood and used, it has dramatically far-reaching effects."  Faith centred on the Lord Jesus Christ, that is.